No Header Yet

[ 12:15pm ]
Mostly just tired... I don't have the energy to do the things I like. Just enough to do my daily things.
Smoked a bit earlier, I played more My Pet Shop and its a pretty fun game for when you are too overwhelmed to still feel like you acomplished something lol.
Watched some Overwatch videos too, wich is weird because I kinda wanna just stop playing at this point. One of my 2 friends blocked me on everything after my bf and him got in a disagreement and he left the server. I didn't say anything and honestly thought it was just a series of misunderstandings followed by misplaced agression. I didn't want to 'pick a side' and hoped that if I just stayed quiet things would work themselves out. But it didn't and now I wish that somehow I could talk to him again and clear it up. I think that by me not saying anything (and dating bf) he might have seen as me picking 'his side'. And my bf thinks hes an insuferable psycotic asshole and keeps making jabs at him. I just want to play Overwatch again and hang out; I was getting pretty comfortable arround him / not anxious and had my hopes up.
It just reminds me that I am incapable of forming friendships unless I am literally forced to see them on a regular basis and that the ammount of 'oppurtunities' I will have for having a best friend are slim to none. I'm terrified of people and talking to people and being seen despite believing that I have no enemies and most people are just trying to make it through life and want to be good. I know when talking to someone that in 99% of situations they aren't a threat. But I get warm, feel like I'm gonna throw up, can't think, bad headaches, disasociation, ect. In the end I can't remember any of what they said and can't respond with much other then 'yep' and 'nope'. I... don't know how this could ever be fixed. I should give up on it.
haha that got dark hahahahahhahaha.
Still, that's what's been making me feel like shit the last few days. Maybe I'll lighten up a bit after getting it off my chest and be able to do stuff again.
But for now I'm watching Go-toubun no Hanayome∽ like the trash I am.