Updates After A Long Pause
Date: 9/21/23
It's been a long time since I updated; so I figured that I should leave a (tennative) final post & some updates.
I have a habbit when it comes to journaling that I will get really into it for 1-2 months, only to see it as more of a slog and something I *have* to do instead of *like* to do. You can see in the last few posts especially that I would end up doing one or maybe 2 updates per day; much diffrent than in the begining where I had to hold myself back from an update every 30 minutes lol.
Just a case of loosing the passion for it. It stopped being something to ground me to do throughout the day and started being a task I put off. Since then, I haven't done much updating on the website front as well. I have been working on a large project that I was maybe 25% complete with; and had to do a lot more menial things before getting to the fun parts again. I might release a limited version of it just to get out an update quicker. But I haven't been especially intrested in coding lately and have been dreading even making this explanation post.
From now until I feel like having a diary again; this page will stay here & I might make life updates every once in awhile. I also want to use diary pages for things like resolutions, ideas, plans ect. that aren't just updates.
So that's it for why I have been gone and what you can come to expect.
Here are some life updates since:
- Bf is applying for a new job soon that requires a drug test; so we have both been sober for a month now. I did it too because I am starting new meds and thought I would get a more accurate picture of their effectivness without smoking.
- For those new meds, I'm having mixed feelings about them. On one hand, I have cried maybe once in the 3 weeks I have been on them. My emotional regulation is much better, and I am not nearly as anxious as before. But on the other hand, I have come to realize that the only way I had any motovation was my anxiety. Without it, I am constantly tired and have been mostly sleeping the days away. I also don't get hungry at all or really feel much of anything. I still constantly overthink and have the anxious and paranoid thoughts encoded in my brain, but its more like a background noise. My memory is worse and it feels like I am constantly dissasociated. But at the same time, I think I am closer to being 'employable' now. I think that I could hold down a job, and will be applying to a place as soon as they open up. And if I mess with my meds once that happens and find myself as disabled as before; I'll probably loose the job and make more enemies on the island. If the question was what made me feel more like life was worth living, then it would be unmedicated. But we need money soon especially with the ressesion and I don't want to bankrupt us. I can tell that my unemployedness is really getting to bf as of late. Fuck capitalism.
- I played a lot of Stardew Valley. Like, 112 hours over the span of 1 and 1/2 weeks a lot. Did a perfection run along with a couple other goals such as marrying every canadate and collecting all movie rewards. It was defently a hyperfixation as I started the meds, mostly as things to do that wern't draining. I told myself I am done and there isn't anything left to do but now I have nothing to keep me occupied and can't stop thinking about things to do in my next run when the new update comes out. I am happy with my farm though, and I have a new favorite batchelor: Penny! I used to not think much of her (and honestly her heart events are pretty meh) but shes sweet and nice and I just want to treat her right damnit!.
- Started a Tumblr, then became very unfrequent. Mostly due me mostly using the app on days that getting out of bed is hard and the app is SO BROKEN. But the people and the posts are great and I do enjoy the site generally. Also I joined right after the buggy on the dash incident and that was funny. OH and one of my favorite animators followed me back! ngl it makes me a bit scared to post non-touhou things.
- Read quite a bit of books and got a library card in my hometown again because the people who work at the library here are mean :(. Libby is a lifesaver i love it. Innitially I got it because my bf wanted to listen to the audiobook for Atomic Habbits. I've read it before and remember using a few tips in it, but not much else so we figured we could listen to it together. But it's been weeks now since I put a hold on it and no dice. In the meantime though, I read:
- Diary of A Wimpy Kid #10-15 / Jeff Kinney. I was curious as to how it has been since I stopped reading it as a kid, still pretty funny and a quick 1 hour read per book. Will probably continue soon. After that Goosebumps of Captain Underpants would be fun.
- First Time Sewing / Creative Publishing International. Alot of stuff I already knew and the descriptions left... much to be desired. Not reccomended.
- Fearing The Black Body / Sabrina Strings. Very in-depth and intresting. It had been on my to-read for awhile and I'm glad I finally got arround to it. I enjoyed how it read as a history book as a linear timeline of events, and each chapter's echos to the past really showed how much of our current fatphobia, diet fads, and racism end up going back to eugenics and keeping social distinctions between the upper class and the lower class 90% of the time. Especially wild how being someone who is in recovery for an eating disorder and obsessivly researched these types of things how much of the same rhetoric and methods have been re-packaged with little to nothing changed. History repeating itself smh.
- Upcycling Celebrations / Danny Seo. I thought it would be like fun things to make out of trash, but you can tell maybe 1/4 into the book that they just gave up. A lot of the 'easy projects' either require special equiptment, buying lots of single use "cheap" things, or otherwise assuming you have a LOT of shit & money on hand to create. Dissapointing.
- The New Cooking School Cookbook / America's Test Kitchen. I haven't finished it (someone else started waiting and I felt bad for taking so long so I let them have it and placed another hold), but I like how it explains the teqnuqes of cooking and isn't just a recipie book. I haven't tried any of the recipies; but the idea of giving you the theory and the details of how to nail it (down to the science in some cases) and then an example/practice dish that lets you practice is helpful. Unfortunately I am very picky and don't like most of the dishes or the ingredients aren't avalible where I live, but will probably try a couple when I get the copy back for my bf.
- The Right To Sex / Amia Srinivasan. Admitedly this is my first true feminist theory book, and it had a lot of intresting insights. It's not often that a book can completly flip your beliefs on their head, and yet this one did so multiple times. Each part is about a specific issue relating to sex & relationships; ranging from porn, sex work, the minority dating scene, and a word i cant remember but means teacher/student relationships. The praxis builds upon itself through multiple stories and statistics, while often showing multiple sides of long fought over feminist theories. Her prefrance is stated in each case, but she is knowlegable on each part and knows the limitations of each theory & practice. I wish she wrote more tbh.