[8:53am] It got 3 total hours of sleep last night @w@.
It has a history of insomnia, and some years this was common for months... it hasn't been as bad as when it was living in California, but still comes back every once in awhile. Normally effects it as inability to fall asleep, and then dosen't have many problems with staying asleep.
Anyways because of that, it is really tired today.. It got done with some of the chores, and just has to wash dishes and get dressed (and later on today fold some laundry). And then it can smoke. It really hates being sober and tired :(
[10:04am] ~2 hours later~
Finally baked, though it took 3 hours to "wake". It sucks how when ur tired it tales like 10,000 years to do the simplest tasks. Honestly have no clue what it does half the time on the computer.
Pretty sure the comfy camp discord server is the culprit. It's been a long ass time since it talked to anyone, and have a hard time understanding when to join conversations. So it basically checks every new post looking for a place it can join in and learn about everyone. But most of the time it's strategy turns into lurking hard while not praticipating at all... especially on other chans and forums.
It feels like despite efforts, it will never have friends. There are people it has talked to and kind things they have done for it still. Yui is tallented, cheerful, and kind. Erik gets just as exited as it does about the series we watch. Bajar and it haven't talked much since ghosting the server; but Bajar was it's first friend and is happy when they message. Reg is a bit mysterious to me, but did me a favor earlier and our talks have been nice. Miffy has good taste. Sopina is cute. Inaba has some dedication and is playful. There are a lot of really cool people, this was just what it could think of off the top of it's head. But it feels like it's full self can be there. It is always a bit too anxious and disconnected to from the real friendships.
Maybe it will send out friend requests after our next convos to see if it is mutral. It really hopes this works. It hopes it can finally make friends!!!

[7:56pm] Yesterday went well; no problems and had a good time. But it was on it's feet all day yesterday. Got only one episode of anime in! Cleaned everywhere, made dinner, and finally ordered everything needed. Anyways that's why it didn't update.
And today has been a lazy coding day. It still did chores and stuff but didn't wash it's face this morning as some kind of personal rebellion it will regret in a day or two. Been working on the next update; it's gonna be a big one. Since it haven't updated in awhile and have almost exclusively been working on WIP pages that can't be uploaded yet.
It is going to send out a very small update with this diary post. Specifically with my site checklist to be updated every time I finish something. It's basically just pure html text; but will be useful for getting a read on how long until the next update.

[8:39am] Today's the day for babysitting! It got ready a bit too early and now has some time to kill, so here is update! Wish me luck out there!

[11:24am] It did end up having a good day yesterday! Other than that it couldnt sleep, but it started to read the Gocchiusa manga! And catch up on a few manga series. And started Natsuiro Kiseki.
About Natsuiro Kiseki, some stories are set at middle schools and some stories are *about* middle schoolers, this one is the latter. Dumb drama, hopeful idiocity, it reminds me a lot of O Maidens in that sense. It's an intresting watch, but in the end it feels like getting filled in at the local school drama. I'll defenently finish it soon, but it kinda stands out in that way.
As for what to do today... it should probably unwrap the pattern paper and begin making patterns for christmas presents... but it's feeling aprehensive. It really dosen't have the money to spend even on materials for handmade gifts. But it has good ideas and wants to give the people in it's life presents that are useful and something they might like that can't be found elsewhere. It wants to show appreciation and generosity to the people arround it, but dumb capitalism makes that much less possible.
It also decorated for christmas at 12am last night lol. We won't be here for christmas, but having the decorations up & pregaming can't hurt. Also it likes praticipating in holiday decorating because of the community praticipating. Even if it can only cut out some paper, it adds to the christmas wonderland of decorations of everypne's collective effort.
[8:40pm] Just got all it's music sorted & uploaded to the IPod! Woohoo! There's a lot and it honestly already need to download new albums to listen to lol. Today turned out pretty good, it made a test run of the puppet and got about 90% of the way done with the patterens for them. It was gonna finish them tomorrow and then go to the library to print them off; but change of plans means it is babysitting tomorrow!
Bf's dad is still gonna be 'home', just working on getting the house onto better stilts. It has to walk there, it will be Aaron's first walk outside in maybe 5-6ish months? And I don't have any other form of transportation,
It's social anxiety is a lot better, but it still hopes the weather isnt rainy and everybody decides to stay in tomorrow. Right now, it needs to stop being high and buy the materials I need while "cyber monday" is going on... but first bf asked it if it could make cookies so that's it's number one priority! Sidenote: the weight hes gained in the last few months is so hot. genuinley perfect. the coziest he has been. and just in time for the winter.

[10:57am] Did some errands yesterday and then took a fat nap. Woke up super sore, wich is usually its body's reaction to burnout so it knew burnout was here lol. Watched a lot of anime, caught up with the comfy camp Discord, and did some new site stuff (all while ungodly stoned). It's been trying to be more active on Discord groups now that it has less social anxiety, and it's going well! It dosen't feel as lonely and is starting to learn everyone!
It also is at an impass when it comes to pronouns... It perfers it/its but most ppl just omit pronouns all together (or use she/her). And it has been using first person "I" "me" "myself" for so long and decided to try using them on itself... and the GENDER EUPHORIA is UNREAL! It knows it will probably scare some people away, and it isn't going to use those pronouns in IRL settings, so if someone on the internet is scared away by it's way of talking thats a filter lol.
Despite the burnout and soreness; it's feeling pretty okay today. It's doing some chores, and is going to make bread later today. It's also doing the sheets and dinner tonight (egg fried rice). The power of denpa music is amazing. One song and it feels like an entirely diffrent person... a much happier person.
It would also like to work more on the site and watch the seasonals that came out today. Now that it is more active with the Comfy Camp server, it wants to keep up to date with seasonals better and be able to talk about them on release. It keeps starting new site projects while stoned and then never going back to finish them lol.
I'm hopeful for today. I'm not gonna overwork myself and have lots of fun in between!

[10:40am] It's super duper exausted today... it's been stressing so much lately and really need a break. But It still has so much to do that it can't take a break. Heading straight for burnout. Knowing that, it needs to have a do nothing day since it's been overworking itself since getting it's meds upped. But it makes it feel worthless. The logic loop that has been getting it.
Even though it got done with the basic chores this morning, it felt like it had acomplished nothing and the day is already wasted. It can't decide between fully letting myself unmask and rest or keeping it up because these things have a time limit and it can't just not do it. The 'middle ground' of this would be to give myself a little time to unmask and then get itself back together for the rest of the day, but it dose't feel like it deserves to.
When it get like this, it feels petrified. If it does anything, that's a choice / commitment to do one or the other.

[11:37am]Happy birthday Miki Hoshii!
I got dressed up & we are going to my bf's family celebration at 2, so I'm trying to sort out my songs by then. But I have a good idea for the next site name!! キャタピラー 夢 (Kyatapira Yume, Caterpillar Dream)!! I wanted it so be something cute sounding and knew that I wanted it to be cattepilar related bc the japanese word is so cute even if it's a borrowed word. I have some ideas for making a site mascot as well. Or maybe 奇態な (Kitaina) instead of 夢 (yume) so it goes together, but that's also a moulthful lol.
I didn't get anything yesterday because I spent the whole day baking and it was like 9 by the time I was done...
So after we go, if i'm not completley worn down, I'll have to do some shopping. I only have like $1,200 left from when I was working left and had my post office box charge go through not long ago.. So honestly I can't really justify buying anything. And the materials for the gifts I want to make are easily still gonna cost 100-200... And I still don't know what to get for boyfriend... But I can't just not get anything.... GAHHHHHHH

[11:13am] I got out of bed a bit late because doomscrolling, but I've learned the best way to force myself to do something is to play denpa. The anime girls brainwashing makes me into a better person! Got done with all the little chores, today my goals are to bake 2 batches of biscuts (shoutout to my bf who already ate both batches I made before. he's my hero) , Find & order the things for at least 2 xmas gifts, and make a site to-do page. I have so many ideas that I have been keeping on a piece of paper that has since overflowed and now turned into a text doccument on my desktop. It's getting out of hand, and having a place to keep plans, ideas, and WIPs would make my workflow a lot easier~. Also 16bit new episode jsut came out! Waiting for the Akihito Subs encode but I WILL download and watch it as soon as it comes out!!
I've been trying to do eyeliner every day even if I'm not going out or using any other makeup. I always wanted to do a full face every day and get rlly good at it but I dont have the money for that. I'm okay with foundation and eyeshadow, so if I just work on my eyeliner eventually I will get better at it. Like I have wanted to learn eyeliner for the last 6 years at least. So I just have to suffer through the shitty stage in my own home.

[9:22am] Thankfully the weather died down from yesterday and I got a bit of sleep!
I had a weird dream that didn't connect to anything at all that I barely remember. Sometimes I do this thing where I dream while still awake/concous while on the brink of falling asleep. Like I can hear my bf, move at will, all of that but still be able to see and hear what is going on in the dream. The way it starts is with thinking about anything, and then eventually as I get more sleepy the inner monologe continues while I begin to dream. I can't really force myself to dream about or see anything or it puts too much pressure on me and I stay awake. But it's pretty neat and I like doing it.
That's besides the point. When I do it though and actually fall asleep, I get very nonsensical yet mundane dreams that's basically inner monologe but all night. Like not sleeping, but still going through the motions of the day. It dosen't make for a very refreshing rest though... so still tired. But thankfully the powers of Denpa are on my side. As long as I have little anime girls cheering in my ear I am not tired!
I have a few chores to do today, and need to make sure to get to the store if I want to practice biscuts at all before Thanksgiving. I also really can't keep putting off gifts and need to find something quick ;-;. The black friday 'deals' this year really aren't worth waiting for. It's just the price in October before they mark it up at the start of November and then "discount" it back to the same price it was before the markup... god I hate capitalism. Not much 'innovation' in that is there?
[7:03pm] Got everything done and watched some Uma Musume. I wrote more about that on my Media Aquarium so I won't say anything about it. I'm also working on getting ideas for xmas gifts; I was on a roll for a bit but I still have no idea what to get for bf. It's tough because everything he wants he just buys himself; unless its wayy out of price range. Like I would have to go into debt. And he has a pretty comfy life already. He has a good PC and dosen't have any problems or gripes with it so parts or accsesories are a no-go. And gaming is his main/only hobby. I got him weed stuff last year so all he needs is a new downstem stem (but that's not big enough for a xmas gift). I know to get him a Luffy straw hat & that stem; but it isn't unified and would feel like a letdown to recieve.
On the plus side; I have great ideas for all but one person in my bf's family! All are at least slightly hand-made or customized to them, and it shouldn't cost that much to give everyone a heartfelt gift. Tomorrow I plan on shopping for materials and such; and then I also need to write notes for them. And make notes for the stuff for my family too. Bf and I are flying to my parent's for Christmas, so we won't be at his parents. Wich causes a bit of strain when the day we are leaving is only a week or two away and I still don't have stuff... Ideally I would want everyone's presents to be ready before, but his middle sister's present is in my hometown so I do have some leeway there. I can also bring some of the projects to work on in the plane and in down time. I do feel a bit guilty for getting really good gifts for my bf's family and then I basically walked arround the town bazar and picked out stuff that's "close enough". I'm sure it's things they will enjoy, but it almost makes me want to make them gifts too and go overbord.
Also I baked the second batch of biscuts. I'm planning on doing 2 batches every day until Miki Hoshii's birthday. I still don't have the hang of it and I need to by then so I've got a lot on my plate. Maybe no big site updates for a bit.
(btw I say Miki Hoshii's birthday bc 'thanksgiving' is celebrating genocide; but I don't want to be excluded from family activities because of my view. So it's Miki Hoshii's birthday! And we do a big meal with Turkey because she personally told me it's her favorite!)

[10:11am] Even though we went to bed at a reasonable time last night my sleep schedule was messed up from yesterday and I didn't sleep a wink....
We went over to his parents for dinner last night and watched the Blue Beetle movie that was super corny, but snuggled w bf through it so all was good. His mom also gave me my xmas gift of a nice coxy blanket with a cow print. It's just the right ammount of weight to it and super fluffy. And it's even machine washable!
... and you may notice someone familiar in the top right corner...
Real Devin! The dragon hoarde page to get to the graphics page has a little game where you convince him to let you in. He's a Warmie / stuffed animal that can be microwaved, so he's almost always with me. The Devin you meet in the game is from the product photos, but this one is the real deal. I like to give my stuffed animals antithetical personalities, so he's a real cocky P.O.S. who sells crack and hasn't paid his child support in ages.
Anyways, today I'm hoping to make some bread and get the stuff to start practicing actual biscuts today! I should also clean the bathroom too. On the plus side, I'm just some sorting away from being done with my music collection! Of course it will be ongoing, but I have all of my favorite albums on it so if WiFi becomes extinct some day my favorite music will live on! There's such better customization with doing it yourself instead of letting STINKY Spotify handle it. And SoulSeek has been a godsend. A few of my all time favorite albums wern't avalible but I have them ready to download now so hopefully more people can hear it! (even if 3.82gb out of the 20.2gb is denpa and not very popular / useful for sharing...)

[8:35pm] Got done with everything pretty early, and thankfully so. Winds are 40mph with 60pmh gusts; the whole house has been creaking. And the storm caused several electrical lines to go down plus a landslide that got someone. So my bf's work shut down for the day and he came home early :3
The power was out for maybe 40 minutes where I live. I just took a nap it was nice. But for some of the more rural towns they most likely won't get power until the day after tomorrow since the lines went right over someone's house and it's gonna take a lot of manpower and time to get it off without hurting the house.
Despite how bad it was, I did go outside to smoke. I lit it inside and cupped the top of the bowl with my hand so it didn't turn out that bad lol.
The bread I made also turned out really good! I thought I over-kneaded it since it was more sticky than it was when I first started kneeding. There was probably a good loaf of dough that either got stuck on me or on the bowls it was so bad. But when they came out they are so fluffy and taste like a dream.
They don't look very well shaped on the outside for that reason, but look at the inside.

[11:37am] I stayed up late last night working on my denpa shrine and downloading music. About 1:30am ish before I turned in, and my bf came to bed at 3ish. I was looking forward to my other cinnamon roll for breakfast tho and bf ate it while I was asleep
Besides being BETRAYED by the ONE I LOVE MOST I took a shower and started laundry. Not sure what to do today. I know I should start looking for a job but honestly I want this babysitting gig to turn into one. Only problem is she's a bit hesitant to it seems like, so it will take time. And the only jobs in town require social interaction...
If I have to interact with anyone the ladder goes animals > children > adults > teenagers. Kids get my humor and it's ok to be weird arround them. Like yeah lets see who can do the biggest dinosaur roar that sounds much more entertaining then small talk.
I wish I could get another housekeeping job, but the only ones here are seasonal and I already got perma banned from ever working at 1 of the 2 places here. And the second place I can't get to by bus or on foot (unless im walking for an hour and a half both ways). No supervision, no people most days. You just clean and listen to music. There's a lot of freedom to it that not many other jobs have.
There aren't any animal care jobs here either, we would have to move off island. Honestly if it wasnt for the ressesion; I would be more than fine staying a professional girlfriend (hosuewife but he hasn't put a ring on it).
My dream job and where my passion lies is in farming, but you need a lot of money to start up so I've all but given up on that. I'm thinking about WWOOFing next year at a farm an island away for the growing season, but if I got a job here I would have to quit & also be away from my bf for that time. But also it's such a good oppurtunity and I want to learn more about working with the land here through experience.
Sorry for the brain dump
Ik you aren't supposed to have your whole life plan figured out by 20, but I do at least need a job for the meantime.

[11:25am] Slow morning, got out of bed at maybe 10 and mostly just cuddling before that. We had cinnamon rolls for breakfast (one of my favs)!!! The bakery here makes rlly good take and bake ones that we had been eying for a bit, and they got marked down to $3 so we got them this time. I also made some pumpkin spice flavored hot cocoa that went really well with it.
I was also thinking about what to wear for Thanksgiving and decided on a orange sweater, then remembered I have a bob cut now... put on my glasses and then realized I have accsess to the easiest Velma cosplay in the world.
Yes ik i look like the most insuferable incel. no need to comment such.
Anywayz got high and i've been doing little site ajustments since then. Once I am done with that I plan on watching anime all day 2day. No chores need to be done so I can just take it easy
[12:13pm] Just got my LastFM set up to scrobble from Foobar 2000 so my listening history will continue even without STINKY Spotify. Ik there is a way to get listens on an IPod to transfer into Scrobbles so I still need to work on that.
[12:45pm] That was easy. I didn't see anything saying it *did* transfer over, so I used this tool to force it to happen. But the older version of ITunes I am using dosen't have the consolodate itunes library so I thought it would be impossible. Then, when I gave up and was exiting out the stuff I had open trying to make it work; the last thing was a confrimation message from lastfm for all the scrobbles LOL. Well, at least it works now.
I was honestly fine with not having any way to share music after downloading everything, but getting to keep that while pirating makes it 3000% better than Spotify. Even when I got Spotify I didn't like it that much just my ipod broke and I figured it was time to "move on". Wrong call. Glad I'm back.
[2:48pm] and I still haven't watched any anime :/
I'm trying to learn how to make biscuts for thanksgiving; but the kind of pans I have apparently don't work at all for the recipie I am using...
So the first batch is a big fat dud. But that's what practice is for! As long as I can make them by Thanksgiving everything will work out!
[6:50pm] Can you believe I still haven't watched a single episode? lol
Spent my relaxing day doing random computer tasks and unsucsessfully making biscuts
I did acomplish something new though; I downloaded more music and re-installed SoulSeek. I'm gonna add my user next update on the home page, but its applesauce. If you haven't heard of SoulSeek, it's a music pirating program where you put your music folder up & you can search through all users music folders. So if you want an album, you search the name, find someone who has it, and download it P2P from them. Wish I had gotten it sooner lol. There were a couple albums I added by manually messing with the metadata of mp3s downloaded from Youtube and that took forever. The only problem is that it's hard to find many files in .mp3 (for my ipod) and you still can't find everything. But it's another tool for building my music collection~

[7:46am] I was supposed to help babysit my bf's little sister today, but my period just decided to come back after years so I am suffering.
[9:06am] So I spent quite a while trying to fix a very dumb error... so long that I'm not hurting as much. Boyfriend is going to pick me up; apparently his little sister has been screaming for me and said that she didn't love him and only loved me
i feel bad for him :( got his sister stollen
[7:37pm] Still hurty, but got some pain meds so alright. I got really stressed out there really fast (especially bc I left my phone at home and took my meds 2 hours late) and she kept dragging me arround and climbing on me .
But I survived so all is good. And their cat Mew came out to say hi as soon as she heard my voice and we cuddled most of the time. Mew even fell asleep on top of me and started snoring it was so cute lol. And I cuddled a bit with Mewtwo; she's quite a bit less tame so it ment a lot that she trusted me enough .
Suuper tired though... also worried about christmas comming up because:
1. I'm not very good at showing exitement / appreciation in my face; so unwraping presents always makes ppl think I dont like their gift even if I really do and I don't want to dissapoint anyone
2. I was going to get gifts for my boyfriend's family when we flew down to my parent's for christmas, but they said that they are giving our gifts the week before we travel and I have Nothing. Not sure if I should get something from the 1 store in town (too late to order stuff) that feels impersonal or tell them it will be when we get back. And then what if I don't find them anything? gaaahhhhhhh
3. xmas always stressed me out a bit. its all buildup. I try to not think about it as much as possible, but it is not a magical day and the diffrence between the fantasy of it and the reality of it is a bit soul crushing. I don't want to build it up because I know I will be dissapointed, but I will also just be dissapointed with it no matter what. No hate to ppl who enjoy christmas; being festive and playing into the fantasy is fun. More just a personal gripe.

[9:23am] I'm changing up the diary layout a bit, inspired by Kengo's method of keeping entries. Now, every month will have a single page and latest posts to it will be saved latest to first. I felt like in order to move onto making more things for the site, I shouldn't leave this diary lifeless.
As for intresting things...
I'm a babysitter now, though only occasionally. I have 3 brothers, but they are all much older than me so I effectively got the only child treatment. I didn't know much about kids and childcare, but my bf's littlest sister really likes me so I'm learning.
I also got my meds upped, and now I really feel like a Normal Person. It's doing wonders. I don't think I've cried once since starting (and my average was 2-3 times per day unmedicated). I still get sensory overload, but I don't really feel anxiety anymore. It has made me realize that even without the social anxiety i'm still autistic as fuck and am ass at communication still. Really hoped that would just go away lol.
In other news: I have a new IPod! I got her off Ebay, works perfect. Since Spotify isn't gonna pay smaller artists, I'm boycotting. As long as the IPod works for 7 months it will have made up for canceling Spotify subscription. I'm still working on getting all my music on there; but I think it will fit. Downloaded an earlier version of Itunes too so I can pirate the old fashion way. Well, with the one improvment of SpotifyDL. Still missing some stuff that isnt on Youtube Music, but I can find it elsewhere so no biggie.
Well, better get back to working on the update!