[ 7:47 am ]
I have been tasked with a very important mission: to leave the house to get creamer for when my bf goes on break from work.
Or rather I assigned it to myself lol
He's in the bathroom right now. Once he leaves; I'll start getting ready.
Gonna beat the hikimori allegations
Other important things to do today:
✔️ Finish packing everything but essencials for camping
✔️ Sweep / Vaccum / Mop
- Fold bf's laundry
✔️ Dishes (should just be 1 load thank god)
✔️ Check bank acc (again, since I got neocities supporter on my credit card)
- Play more Wobbly Life
I do rlly like Wobbly Life now so i'll only let myself play it after I completed everything today
[ 8:32am ]
Took a shower, did some dishes, did some light cover up makeup, and got dressed. But otherwise I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
Not gonna make my bed till I get back incase I need to cry when I get back
Wish me luck out there, leaving now
[ 9:16am ]
Back~
Bf got home at almost the same time as me and didnt see my message and picked up creamer lol.
But double creamer and I got my favorite kind that also happened to be on sale plus yogurt (shouldnt have been $17 for a small yogurt on sale and creamer on sale in any econamy tho.)
Saw 2 cats and 4 dogs total. Also got winded wich yeah that happens if you barely leave the house more than once a week for a year
The bike should help tho. My mom got me one as an early birthday present. I hate putting it together so I'm waiting for when I have some more time / putting it off indefinently...
The instructions aren't helpful in the slightest and it just makes me angry. I shouldn't have accsepted it tbh. Just a sad attempt from my mom for me to be reformed.
[ 9:48am ]
Bf just left for work again, we were cuddling it was nice :3
Time to go back to work, listening to the gochiusa ost.
[ 10:25am ]
Just did the dishes (x2), cleaned the countertops, and cleaned up a bit more. It gets so messy so fast here
Still thinking about something my bf said...

~This turns into a rant; so this is your sign to back away~

I mentioned that I had started this online blog and that if he was ever curious he could see how my day was going, and he replied with (not exact quote) "Why would I care? It's not like you do much."
I might not be busy with a traditional job; but housekeeping is quite a bit of work. For him to not notice things getting dirtier or things magically always be back in their place requires constant upkeep.
Plus the obvious blow of your significant other taking absolutley no intrest in you...
I think I'm being too hard on him. But I feel like there is some kind of tension between us, and as soon as my rent money goes dry I'll be told to gtfo.
If that happens the only option for me is to live with my parents; but I can't go anywhere or get a job in California. I can't drive (thx schizophrenia) and everything there is car dependant. I can't even get a job here. I can only hope I won't be thrown out.
If that did happen tho, I wish I could get a live-in maid / housekeeper job. I do quite enjoy what I do now, even if the pay is just food and security. Or if he could commit and I could be wife / secure.
It feels like I'm always in survival mode as things are now. The only thing that lets me relax is weed. And the future isn't pretty.

~Rant over~
[ 10:56am ]
Spent the last 30 minutes looking for a check mark & x mark small pixels / emojis but to no avail. Wanted them so I could ✔️ and ✖️ off things on the to do list I have at the top of the blog.
Bf laundry still isnt dry... makes me mad its been 3 hours.
[ 11:18am ]
THE FLOORS ARE DONE!!! INCLUDING THE DREADED VACCUM
I swear my brain only works if I have a checklist. Its like the one organizational tool that fucking always slaps for me!!
I used to never clean or take care of myself (like 2 weeks between showers bad) and then started using control of my surroundings as a coping tool for my lack of control in the rest of my life as a teenager .
Anyways since then I have tried a bunch of tools and now I have a pretty good flow~
UHabbits is my fav tool. You basically put in a task, how often you want to do it, and then every day the checkmarks reset and show you what has to be done. So every day I just have to check my phone to see when I have to do the floors next or clean bedsheets for example. And the checks move with the last time you completed the task; so if you miss a task on Thursday and do it on Saturday, it will just loop next Saturday.
So I use that in tandem with either this blog checklist at the top or a pen and pencil to do list. Designating 3 as "most important" and then the rest can be skipped if they cant be done. So every day I have to at least get those 3 done.
And now keeping things orderly is the only productive thing I can do...
Well, before I couldn't do anything productive so it's totally a step in the right dirrection .
[ 11:49am ]

~Another rant~

When he came home on break again I wanted to cry. I feel like I'm always in trouble.
I don't feel safe arround him anymore. I don't want to be afraid of him I dont want him to throw me out I dont want to be alone again
Idk what to do. How long to feel this resentment before addressing it or thinking of more drastic action. Especially since I don't have any other choice but to keep things the same.
My last relationship of 7 years was declining in quality for the last 2 years until I got unreasonably mad every time he would talk to me. I know that I need to be open with these feelings and address them as soon as possible so that I don't hurt my current boyfriend. I've learned.
I just want to feel loved by him again instead of like a hinderance. But I might just be schizophrenic and hyper aware of every negative thing that happens.
I might be making a big deal out of something that never existed. At the same time, he might be actively abusing me and I might be willingly brushing it off thinking it's my own fault.
He might be looking at my blog to change his behavior to hit where it hurts most.
Or he might not look at my blog because he dosen't care about me.
He might look at it out of curiosity on a break and be hurt by what I said. He might be innocent.
Or he might have already forgotten that I said something about having a blog at all.

~Rant Over~
[ 12:56 pm ]
Bf came home on break and I was on the verge of tears. We cuddled and talked about things. I didn't say things as harsh as I had ranted about above, but basically said that I was scared and never felt safe.
He did ensure me that he'll still let me live here when I don't have rent money anymore. And that he won't straight up abandon me.
He said that we just have to swim as best as we can, and my fins might be a bit fucked up so I can ride on his back
I'm really glad to have him
[ 1:40pm ]
!! Trigger warning for this entry !!
~ Discussion of eating disorder, including stats & inner thoughts. ~
So I wanted to get something for my birthday, and I've been wanting a maid dress for the last couple years but never let myself have one because eating dissorder, so I was like yeah I'm in recovery right now and working as a maid that would work!
I already had one picked out in a French style so I went to the listing and... gone
So now I've been looking for the last almost 2 hours. All the english-speaking lolita sites I could find.
So far the problems are:
1. I want it to get here before my birthday. I'd be ok with if it was a couple months late if it meant a really cute dress; but if it's eh and will be late then it's not worth it in my eyes.
2. I'm looking for a moe cafe / french maid style with a black/white color scheme, medium skirt length, and a cutsey but not sexual design. This is an impossible ask, apparently.
3. Sizing. So as I said, I am in eating disorder recovery, and have gained weight. I'm right at the edge of normal weight veering into overweight territory (bmi 23, fat free body mass of 95lbs, current weight 140lbs, 5'6).
I've been starting to feel ok about my body despite this, and have stayed at 140lbs despite eating whatever whenever. Body set point or whatever. My sizes are like 1-3cm above EVERY FUCKING PLACES BIGGEST SIZE. Nobody can handle 95cm bust. My boobs dont even look that big they are mostly loose skin from when I was bigger. And if they can, then the sholder size is like 18cm or some shit!!! And then to really top it off; if I go by what is closest to fitting my bust size; my waist size is always significantly smaller than what they put. So it will always look frumpy.

my dreams are now fully defeated. if you wear lolita and know how to get arround this without "lose weight fatass" pls tell me.
Shits triggering. Makes me glad that I never got into lolita bc otherwise I would never be able to get out of my disorder.
Imagine spending hundreds upon thousands of dollars on beautiful clothes but if you gained just the tiniest bit they would become worthless to you. This disorder would have fucking killed me (and has quite a few times) and left me sick for the rest of my life. Frilly dresses are cute yes but not constantly shitting blood cute or can't move after standing up for at least 40 seconds without getting knocked tf out cute.
I'm so mad at myself for both having caused myself so much harm and also for still being fat. Like my effort never got me anywhere new. I just gained and lost the same 30 pounds every month for 5 years. I'll never have a good enough body, and I just have to accsept that.
And that I will never be able to wear a frilly maid dress.
[ 2:33pm ]
Still a bit frazzled from last entry.
I was gonna go on a walk to calm down, but then I remembered a scene from episode 1 of Oshi No Ko and wanted to watch it again.
So I looked up the clip on YouTube; but they were all super edited down so I ended up just downloading the first episode and watching a couple scenes before it. The first episode is so fucking good.
Anyways I'm gonna make my boyfriend watch it when he gets home lol
He never understood the concept of idols, and its also just a really solid production. He had watched some love live s1 with me before but he was half asleep for it so it dosent count.
He's probably never gonna be a moe otaku like me and thats ok. I'll never be a gamer or a gun otaku. But I will play games and discuss guns with him so I hope he will give me some leeway to share my intrests.
I just hope that he dosen't either give up on it partway through, or watch it and want more fast paced Oshi No Ko only for it to become a slow burn post-setup.