bad self image day means i cant get anything done :(

[ 9:07am ]
ughhh i feel so gross today. ive gained weight and im trying to recover from an ed and its hell. tw for disordered eating mentions & behaviors, no numbers or specifics tho. also some sh & suicidal ideation.

so for a quick backstory i was bulimic in middle school and then about halfway through highschool i started restricting. pure ana until about 9 months in where i started binging, and since then ive been through the binge/restrict cycle of hell for years. when i was in the binge part, restricting or promising myself to restrict would just make me binge more, and while i was in the restricting part i felt so scared and sick of food. so what would innevitably happen is i wouldnt eat for a few days and then eat a fuckton for a few days, repeat over and over again. its miserable and its all you think about.
a bit before starting this blog, i decided to try recovering. i had gotten to my lowest weight finally, and then gained back everything i had lost in the last month within a couple of days. at that point i was just fucking sick of it and figured that i might as well be on 900lb life if what it took to not get fat again was constant agony. and for the first month and a half, i stayed at my set point. i ate whatever whenever, and at first it was constantly binging but after a week i wasnt hungry all the time for the first time in years. i got my hopes up thinking that i had changed from the obese aaron i used to be and that even though i was eating whatever, and though i wasn't skinny i was just a bit chubby and that was passable by me.
ive been trying to only weigh myself once a week or so and have finally gotten to the point that i dont think of funny scale number on a daily basis. but todays funny haha scale number makes me feel dirty and gross and like i just want to cut my skin open and shovel out all the fat. and ive been trying to not pay attention to what my body looks like but i can feel it all the time and it makes me sick. i wish that i could loose it, but i know the way my brain is that any attempt at restriction (even in the 'healthy' way) is enough for a binge to be arround the corner. the way i used to counteract this was to restrict way more so that worst case scenario i would be back to starting weight after the restrict / binge cycle did its thing. but i am trying to recover and i dont want to get back into the trenches. but the only other option outside of the trenches is to just keep doing what ive been doing and gain more.
im at a loss. i cant keep gaining like this but if i restrict myself even a little i will binge harder. it dosent help that we dont have the money for my safe foods, or for many healthy foods in general.
i guess just start brainstorming shit? maybe if i packed meals for myself? but ik my inner disordered ass will make them super small portions and then i will feel like garbage for not being full after and restrict myself more. and if its a regular to large portion then i will feel like im not even trying and its basically binging. for the most part ive just been grazing on snacks because i still dont know what to do about full meals.
and the thing that scares me the most is that currently im 3/4 of my highest weight. and at my highest weight i was still gaining if i hadn't developed a disorder. other people can be incredible and amazing at high weights but i am not one of them. i dont know where it would stop and that makes me feel like it will go on forever. i just need my fat gone now!!!
i still dont know what to do im scared. i feel like the only thing even possibly worthwile about me is being 'in healthy weight range'. other than that i have zip zero nothing. im ugly and horrible at talking to people and nothing but an autist schizo retard. being fat just makes me more tired and always uncomfortable and makes me hate myself even more. i cant do it again. but i cant restrict again.
sui is the only aunser but i dont have the tools to do it so there isnt any point in mentioning it. but as time ticks on i still need an aunser. i cant get changed into clothes because its too trigering but i cant stay in pjs because thats too triggering. and do i just not eat today out of fear and then that makes me binge? or will i end up binging because of the fear and make the problem worse?

sorry for the long ass rant. ill put on my safe hoodie, get unreasonably high, and hope that i forget about it soon enough to enjoy the day.
i do still have to work tho today... and i dont think that bf will want to pick up mail or drop off my bike when he gets home. i cant wait for my bike to be done so i can just do this stuff myself instead of waiting weeks to do basic chores.
[ 7:70pm ]
sorry for the timeskip, didnt really feel like talking much today.
smoked a bowl and a half, watched some anime, did some chores, same old same old.
Dream Hunter REM was very good, defenantly my new favorite 'stoner movie' for when the occasion arises.
Also drew a miku, will upload tomorrow on her birthday!