Sims Medieval fun, EA games bad

[ 9:27am ]
Trigger warning: Transphobia, Suicidal Ideation.
I woke up thinking about something traumatic that happened in 8th grade. I came out as trans to my lgb friend group, and at first they acted supportive. Winter break rolled arround, and once school was back in session, they started to ignore me. They would never outright say anything bad to me, or even tell me their reasons. If I ever tried to say something, they would either go silent and then keep talking as if nothing had happened or talk over. Those 6 months were some of the worst I have ever felt. The few friends that I had outside of that group slowly left, and I got in a fight with another. I ended up being admited to a mental hospital 2 days before graduation (and almost had to retake the grade because of the rules regarding diploma pick-up).
Ever since then, I haven't been able to keep friends. I'm friendly enough and can have people I am friendly with, but after that I would never be able to form a bond with someone. I needed to stay out of the way so I wouldnt be a bother. I detransitioned since I became convinced I would never be able to make another friend if I was still a filty degenerate tranny (self talk, i do not feel this way about other trans ppl. im very jelous of them honestly.). I didn't want anyone to care about me, unless they were a romantic partner. Still, I have not felt true friendship since then. And i'm pretty convinced I never will.
Bad mood enough, the coffee pot didn't get set in right and grounds are everywhere. The blanket smells like sweat and cum, I cant sit under it. Everything is dirty. I need to go to work today. I'm so overwhelmed. I feel like im on the verge of tears and I cant be. I need to get it together but am lost on how to do so. I feel like writing is the only thing I can do right now; and if I stop writing I will die because there is nothing else I can do. At a certain point I am gonna have to update yesterday's entry and update the main blog page to show this entry but I dont feel like I have the mental capasity for that either.
I'm fundimentally broken now. This plus my other traumas makes it impossible for me to find or make community. To work a job. To go after what I want to do. To see the diffrence between my delusions and reality. To not get overwhelmed in the smallest situations. To connect with anyone.
Where can I even go from here? What's left? Keep being a lonely housewife, relying on others and making life considerably harder for the only person that I can feel close to? I'll never have the confidence to try any dreams or ambitions if it requires a sacrifice; I know that I'm a lost cause already. Will I be able to finally get on meds if I can't talk to anyone? Will I even be able to get disability if I can't argue a case?
And best of all, despite how suicidal I am, I don't even have a way to end it. I don't have the money or the social skills to get a gun. I don't have enough time for any poisins to kick in without being found half-dead instead of full-dead. For all the times I have tried to hang myself not once has it worked. Same with cutting, such a low death rate it might as well not exist. Asphyxiation is close to psycologically impossible to do to yourself, and trust be I try so often I dont even count it as suicide attempts. And the speed limit so dang low that I couldnt be run over with the most sneaky of tactics (and even if i did, i dont have insurance).
So on paper, i'm 'safe' and 'not a risk'. Instead of going to hell when I die, I am to stay in hell until i eventually-hopefully-soon die. It's torture. I wish medically assisted suicide was a thing. Even so, I wouldnt be able to talk to the doctor to get it. I dream about being able to make a guilotine, or just putting my head over a cutting bord and being able to saw it off. Still, fear takes over in those situations and I know after one or two big cuts I wouldn't be able to keep going. Weirdly enough, after killing myself 'on paper', I feel a bit better.
My stomach still hurts a bunch though.
[ 1:46pm ]
Havent done really anything today and its making me feel like poopoo but i dont have the energy to change it.
I did smoke & play solo que overwatch, although I was a bit too high and very embarasing. Also been watching sims videos & trying to update my sims 4 but the batch file keeps getting corrupted. Also downloading Sims Medieval because that seems fun as fuck.
[ 7:23pm ]
Did a whole lot of fuck nothing today. Played some Sims Medevel but my pirated copy won't save without crashing, so I am in the process of trying to buy the game legitimatly. i hate this so much i hate ea with a passion i want to pirate it but my speeds are too slow and i am on too many banlists to keep torrenting ;-;
[ 10:29pm ]
So I finally got the Sims Medieval... after many attempts
First up I had to make an EA account that locked me out twice and i had to re-create one each time because it wouldn't send me the confrimation email and then wouldnt resend for 24 hours because of 'suspicious activity'. Then it denyed my card multiple times, then accsepted it once I put it in on the EA Launcher.
It downloaded easy and works okay, exept it keeps crashing randomly and its fucking annoying. The gameplay is really fun, but EA just needs to either bug fix their games or disable anti piracy measures. Because a 13 year old game that only runs through a windows 7 emulator, crashes randomly, and can't save in the tutorial without losing all progress does not deserve to be priced the same as on release. Also making it so you have to have internet connection to save your game otherwise it just crashes the game and deletes progress? I bet that when EA updates their servers they won't change the way these old games behave and will let them become unplayable.
The sims 4 batch file is still getting corrupted every time. Next I am gonna try installing it when I go to bed again but 5x so far and no luck.
Im also really hungry, but nothing sounds good and also I have only had a couple handfulls of granola today. I need to eat bc im dizy and foggy-headed, but nothing sounds good / not much food in the frige. Tried to get bf to get takeout with me earlier but he didnt want to. And i still dont want to eat grrr.
ugh and i just remembered the coffee pot still isnt cleaned. that will be a problem in the morning; along with all the other tasks i neglected today.