The days inch closer...

[ 8:54am ]
Wow my birthday is this friday, thats insane. I still haven't quite made peace with turning 20 yet. I wish I was pure like the heroines in kirara, and turning 20 means that I will be in an entirely diffrent demographic than them. When I was in my teens, I could imagine if I had those friends or those life experiences. When I graduated high school, I mourned the school life I could have had. And now I feel like there isnt anything to 'reach' for in adulthood, my dreams will be stuck years behind me and unfufilled.
I wish truck-kun could stop by and knock me out to a peaceful fantasy world where I am a pure moe anime girl surrounded by friends. Unironically Cure Butterfly helps me think of it better. She can be cute and lovely while being an adult. But then what about when I age more? I'm scared as fuck of getting old and loosing my autonamy, becoming a prisoner of my body. My grandpa was a great guy, but as he got older and more frail you could tell that he just wanted it to end already.
Becoming no-longer-a-teenager is a death sentance to my dreams. And its not one that I can stop.
[ 9:27am ]
Im still not quite back to reality yet. And I drew the nine of swords. I know that my worst fears are coming true, but what can I do about it? It's literally innevitable. Even the things I do have somewhat of 'control over' won't last for long or can't be done due to disability.
I just wanna sleep. I dont want to be alive and thinking. I cant concentrate or feel at ease.
[ 10:44am ]
Finally took a shower after feeling sorry for myself.
[ 12:44pm ]
Bf came back for lunch break, and will be off work pretty soon! yay!
I did more website updates during the last 2 hours, mostly adding and refining intrests. It's weird to realize that I am into so many things. Normally I feel like I don't really enjoy anything, but as soon as I start writing I can feel the passion again.
Gonna clear out some space for birthday present, he told me its about 4 ft long so its time to reorganize the back room to add more stuff to. I hope we can find a new place soon that allows pets and maybe has seperate bedrooms. Living in a studio w someone makes you very close yes, but sometimes I want privacy or to be able to sleep while he stays up.
[ 2:17pm ]
Cleared the space, it looks a lot more big in here now. Also the tism cleaning made me feel a bit better :3
Bf is home now, will probably smoke soon.
[ 3:36pm ]
Been playing more My Pet Shop, it's pretty addictive. My lil killer rabbit Caerbannog (if u get the refrence, ur epic) knows 2 tricks now and has 7 hearts. I'm trying to balance all kinds of gameplay with eachother, it makes the game less repetitive. Like some days I will focus on making my pet better, some days I'll go out and catch pets like pokemon, some days I will just take requests, ect ect. If it had a new coat of paint and arrived on mobile marketed well I could bet it would be a fairly popular pet game,
Speaking of wich, its been a long time since a pet game got popular on mobile. Last I remember was My Talking Tom & Pou, maybe Neko Atsume if you want to stretch what counts as a pet game. There's a lot of potential there, especially something like a tamagochi rework as long as it kept with the spirit of minimal care upkeep with further minigames & ways to grow your pet later.
[ 4:52pm ]
Watched some more anime
Man it seems like every time Rudeus gets out of being down bad he gets down badder. Every time he seems like he's doing well he goes back to old Rudeus, fucks everything up, and then gets back up again like he learned just to do it again. Like my favorite part of Mushoku Tensei is his character writing.
[spoilers mushoku tensei s2 ep 4-5]
Like him being scared of women is understandable and okay. When it comes to Sara, he should have seen her hesitancy or pushed to make sure that it was consentual. She was pretty drunk and he should have made sure. But let's just say he genuinely didn't and it was an honest mistake. The next thing was his yelling outside the gate. Yes he was very drunk, but it seemed like he genuinely had fun on those dates? why trash talk the time they spent together? Its like one step forward 2 steps back with him sometimes. Why does he show so much resentment to her when his fear was the trigger?
[spoilers end]
Probably gonna watch and rant more about mushoku tensei now. I love this story and this world, but damn does his habbits leave a sour entitled man taste in your moulth.

[ 5:59pm ]
Up to date on Mushoku Tensei
I want to get up to date on all the shows I'm watching so I can join in on discussions again. Thank you animesuge for making that possible despite my jolly roger being taken.
[ 6:58pm ]
I got intriged by a /jp/ thread about an escort, and ended up doing some... ahem... research into the subject.
The thing that suprised me most was how cheap some of the services were. Average is about 80,000 yen, but trans girls & crossdressers are 17,000 yen. Still suprising.
Most are in Osaka and Tokyo (especially Shinjuku), and from some of the reviews on tokyo adult guide it's fairly nice. Although most aren't paticularly friendly to gaijins or require very fluent japanese. Something to work up to, I guess.
I was most intrested by club Prae in Osaka or club Diamond in Tokyo + Osaka. Prae because the plump girls gimick is super cute and Diamond because their girls are cute and numerous. Most require call ins, where you request a time slot for anyone who is in building at that time so you need to check schedules to see when the best time is.
I'm gonna be honest though, I kinda would want to try a rental girlfriend service more than an escort. When I was researching and didn't know much yet, I fantasized about taking her out on an aquarium date, talking about our backgrounds, intrests, ect. Something more casual before the actual thing. But the idea of 'you have an hour go get em tiger' is a turn off. I want to make her happy and comfortable damn it!
Not to get too personal here either but. I don't know if I could trust another girl enough to get in bed with her. I am very attracted to women but also deeply scared due to some trauma with exes. I would have to get to know her really well and know that she isn't judging me before anything like that. Plus I'm already in a relationship, so I'd rather look from away and cheer on cute girls than get myself involved.
[ 9:13pm ]
Made some lemon cookies and did more 4ch browsing. Feeling like either watching more animu or youtube.