First of the month + full moon? And immedietly have a shit day?

[ 10:21am ]
So today is the first of August~
I always get exited for the first of the month. I wanna try and do a protective or cleansing spell today. It's been forever since I did some magic, need to clear off the altar.
As a teen I did spells for petty things but now as an adult I feel like my problems are too big to be cleared by a ritual. Ik its about intention and energy, but also I cant afford the materials either. It's hard to look forward to it.
But a simple cleansing spell for the house would be nice. Also bf is staying home again today so it might be difficult to get/make a space for it. He won't take it seriously, I know that much.
I would love to get back into tarrot too but I forgot most of it. I hope my deck can forgive me for the year long neglect.
Anyways, listening to jazz, and don't have much to do today. Probably gonna use the oppurtunity for another site update.
Next is the dragon's lair; where you have to solve a riddle to get acsess to my collection of graphics. It was one of the parts of my 1.0 sites I was most proud of. I'm exited to re-make it with my current html knowlege. I have so many ideas for layouts and stuff its gonna be great!
[ 10:57am ]
Site update published!
In order to get ready for making the hoarde; I need to collect more graphics & do a lot of organizing actually
My small pixels, 88x31s, blinkies, & stamps are pretty close to being ready. I just need to start organizing idons, pagedolls, and assorted gifs & graphics. Wich of course means breaking my site repeatedly.
yayyyy i love the hours long process of changing links slightly!!!! Its my favorite!!!
[ 12:32pm ]
im.
still.
sorting.
IMAGES!!!!!
like im MAYBE halfway done. And that's not even changing the sources. Just giving everything names and creating a folder system for all my graphics.
So I dont think I will have time to do any coding on the hoarde today.
Its probably gonna be like a week long update so I'll just keep plugging away at it for a couple hours every day.
I'm gonna smoke soon & probably play some games or something to stop my mind from going 200mph from all this imagesorting.
[ 1:01pm ]
i want a real meal... we have close to no food and bf hasnt wanted to get groceries for awhile and wont tell me why. i suspect it's cause we don't have much or when the grocery list sales timed out last time so the bill was bigger than expected.
either way i have basically been subsisting off of chocolate chips for the last few days. i've been craving fruit so bad bros. but its too expensive.
we joke with eachother over the 'struggle meals' we have been able to make using random pantry stuff. kinda tempted to make a subpage on the eventual recipie site just for true struggle meals.
in my mind, the prerequisites for a struggle meal include: under 15min of prep, use of stovetop or microwave cooking, less than 3 ingredients, ingredients are pantry & leftovers, and/or gives the vibe of 'i just cant do this anymore man'.
my personal favorite is microwave cheese quesidillas, but tortillas are too expensive and so is cheese so i havent had one in awhile. also a big fan of microwaved rice seasoned like omurice w ketchup & soy sauce.
but damn i crave something fresh and filling. one day.
[ 2:29pm ]
so i smoked a bit more than usual and want to do some more journaling activities n shit. so brainstormy rant?
Maybe not the best to do online but eh who the hell is gonna want to read this? Like who would care about my life that much? So I'll just use this as i want without worrying about if someone is gonna see it.

goals?
when i was a kid the first thing i thought about goals was to be an astonaut, and now i immedietly think of a goal weight. i feel like there are things i would like to do and be, but not anything aspirational.
like wanting to be a mc in a kirara manga. their worlds are so wholesome and pure. everything so sparkley and bright. To be a Cocoa Hoto, Konohoshi, Yui Icchi, Chaos, Yuno, Shamiko, Tamaki Honda, or pink Bocchi in those wonder-filled worlds would be ultimate happiness.
But that isn't really possible right. I can't become a japanese high school girl in a fictional universe. there isnt any goals to be had from that, it just cant happen. i can settle the void by being a fan and reading more to have that feeling.
Or another one, i sometimes imagine if i somehow had enough money that nothing would be a problem. i'd build the cob house of my autistic dreams, make more cob houses for free so ppl have places to live, start a permaculture farm and fund it out pocket to give out free food, donate to all the cool causes and creators that i wished i could, ect.
some part of me does want selfish stuff like deka sanae fumo, weeb cave, rythum game arcade machines, azone dolls, a couple kigurumi faces & suits, ect. in the fantasy world i could do that too without feeling guilty about it. i don't need it and it won't cure me or make me happy though. but i wouldnt want to ask for too much.
tecnically you could create a goal for the first; to find oppurtunities for building cob houses or learning how to do permaculture and starting a farm. but it feels like there is no way that future could ever exist, if that makes sense.
like that the idea of actually trying will immedietly met with faliure or roadblock and any attempts are futile. i don't trust myself in the slightest with anything and know thats for the best.

so im really cold now i need to warm up now. btw its 3:09pm now so like about 30min just writing lol.
[ 7:30pm ]
I ended up reading kirara manga and then taking a nap. then waking up and reading more. im so tired and everything hurts. i feel like im wearing a shell of pain.
[ 9:05pm ]
Pain-wise im a bit better now, should probably take some painkillers. I forgot to mention earlier but we did go on a grocery run and i had yet another meltdown
Thankfully it was when we already got home, but thats why I smoked alot and took a nap. Whenever I have a meltdown I get super tired and in pain after for at least 1-3 days.
When I was working and had meltdowns every few days and got close at least 2-3x a day, I would be able to calm myself down with a cigarette and then get energy with coffee. And if I wasn't slightly altered by one of those 2 things, i was a permanantly tired & in pain husk or having a meltdown.
I applied to work at a pizza place, but even if I do get the job I doubt my ability to do it without shutting down. I don't have much of a choise tho; we need money.
I really wish I could get another housekeeping/maitinence/cleaner/janitor job tho, but none are avalible rn. They are cool since its a pretty isolated work enviorment, and I can manage myself and be able to do things like take long breaks or give myself disability accomidations I wouldn't get otherwise.
Like right now cleaning rentals, I can track my working time on a stopwatch so i can take breaks to avoid getting overwhelmed. Or if im very paticular about something, its my cleaning cart & im the only one who uses it. Same with methods, nobody sits over your sholder and if you do work with another person you normally arent in the same space and only occasionally have to talk to them. It's a good no skill social recluse job.
Anyways I didnt work today because most of the avalible time I had to work was taken up by meltdown + aftermath. I have 'a couple days' (whatever that means) to do it so tomorrow for sure. This does make the 4th day that I put on work clothes and then didnt have to work.
Gonna smoke more and read more kirara. I want to read all of them; I feel like all the stories in this dumb magazine are so perfect and its a guarenteed good time. SoL anime is severley underated.